All weekend I have felt plagued by thoughts of another man.  I think of him by default.  I do not want to, cannot understand why my thoughts keep straying to him.  My thinking doesn't extend to sexual fantasies, but just conversations we have where we connect intimately.  I know nothing about this man.  He appears strong, together, motivated. Although I have seen cracks in this exterior I have chosen to overlook these aspects.  I chastise myself for allowing him to fill my mind and thoughts.  I'm upset at myself for wanting to look pretty for him when I see him next, or loving the attention when he talks looking only to me even though there is a group of us conversing together.  Am I secretly hoping he has feelings for me? I cajole myself.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I thinking such things?  I'm overwhelmed with guilt, but the more I try to force myself to stop thinking of him, the more he pervades my consciousness.

I am a happily married women.  Married for over eight years with two children, my life and my relationship with my husband and children is whole and complete.  We love each other dearly, spend precious time together, give each other the space to grow and are truly happy together.  I can honestly say that at this moment in time, life is perfect.

I try to find an explanation therefore for seeking thoughts of another.  For fantasising connection with someone else even though I already share a deep connection with my husband.  Is it a past life; the sinful nature of humans; a deep longing I am suppressing; a hormone imbalance, or just human nature?  A million possible reasons come to mind.  I feel myself grasping, hoping that one of these reasons can stop this from continuing.  An I not meditating enough, not praying enough?  My questions keep returning to what can I do to make this stop?  I don't want to feel this way, think about this anymore.  I want to be totally present for my husband and children.  How do I stop?

Then like a lightning flash of the obvious, the truth floods me.  I think of all the hard work involved in staying connected with my family.  All the talks, all the tears, all the balancing acts each day involves - me, you, us.  Developing a cultivating loving relationships is really hard work and it demands of you what feels like 100% of the time.  Of course this is my illusion.  Some mysterious man on the other hand which mentally offers me freedom to feel young, desired and free again, can be quite alluring.  It is merely the part of me that wants to rest.  The realisation suddenly dawns on me that the reasons I reached for earlier don't offer me a solution but justification instead.  They give me permission to continue, pushing my guilt away.

In my new realisation I decide that cultivating the love of my family is worth it.  I remember each piece, each struggle of our daily lives and I know it is worth it.  I laugh now at my funny fantasies of this man I know nothing about.  It's better I know nothing of him, for this way he represents only my longing for an uncomplicated life.  Deep down I know relationships take work and I know I wouldn't have it any other way.  With this knowing, I return to the man in my thinking, to find he has walked away.  I did not make him.  I know now that he merely responded to my choice.  Thanks for visiting I respond.  Who knows if we shall meet again in my thoughts.  If we do, I will remember - it is worth it - every day in which we grow a little and love a lot through those we dearly cherish.


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Helen Paige is a Spiritual Teacher who shares her spiritual teachings with love, compassion and truth.  Her work in raising the consciousness of the planet has spanned over 10 years, and she continues to inspire others through her simple and profound insights. She currently works as a Medical Intuitive in Melbourne Australia, and runs workshops and medical intuitive training for those seeking a highly evolved way of living and working.  She is the author of 'Guardian of the Light' Book and Meditation CD, and 'Healing in the Now' CD Therapeutic Program.  Visit her website at www.HelenPaige.com